Everybody Poops...

Okay, we all poop... I mean I'm hedging my bets that nobody will tell me that they don't and if they do, I'll tell them that their full of it... which they would be. Perhaps the occasional my chit don't stink, but in no way no how can they say they don't have grunting time on the bowl and... pun intended... in the end have praised the softness of Charmin.

By now you might be wondering if my cracker has crumbled... where the hell is this going? Perhaps you've already stopped reading since you don't feel the need to read about poop.

It's no secret to those that know us that we have six children. That means over the years six different butts to wipe when soiled... excluding yours truly. We've had poop on our hands, we've had it escape to the floor at times. I mean who hasn't... right? Even so, it's a pretty straight forward process and in all many soiled diapers and bottoms... which begs to ask... can you ever become an expert?

Okay, so maybe not...

We've experienced the poopsplosion. The poopsplosion is when there's soooo much poop it has nowhere to go but up the back and out the diaper and on to the outfit/clothes. Then there's the one that is usually at the root of a poopsplosion... that would be a squishy poop. Now squishy poop can, and is, it's own entity. This is exactly the time that said child will want to grab at their bottom... which for obvious reasons is frowned upon. Not only do you have a mess at the bottom, now you have a mess on their hands. Poopy hands trump poopy butts since in most cases the butt ain't going anywhere. Hands on the other hand end up going places you don't want them to, so they need to be quickly subdued and cleaned. Slightly less dangerous is the feet. You usually have them under control since you end up hog tying them in a sense with your hand. BUT... sometimes they manage to slip out of your grip and inevitably they will tuck their feet in to touch their poopy bottom. What did we just learn here... ? That's right, poopy appendages trump poopy butts... each and every time.

Moving on...

We've had the power pellet... that's where you swear that it's a full load (judging by the amount of stink) only to discover a tiny pellet ranging in size from a raisin to about the size of a small grape. A cousin to the power pellet is the plug or wedge pellet... that's when a single pellet is wedged in the crack forming a sealed crack which needs to be dug out. We've had the mystery poop where, again judging by the perpetual stink you swear it's a full load but you find nothing there and conclude that you were fooled by a concentrated puff of air that permeated the diaper... this is also known as a false alarm. Then there's the baseball poop. The baseball poop is when said child hasn't had enough fiber and somehow manages to push out something the size of a baseball... sometimes a kiwi. I am always in awe when I open up the diaper and see one of those bad boys sitting in there where I'm left thinking... how did THAT come out of there? Baseball poop is usually preceded by a very red face, a lot of grunting, some sweating and most times crying. Then there's the marble poop a.k.a bunny poop, raisin poop or poopin grapes... I think that these are pretty self explanatory. This poop is akin to the baseball poop except everything managed to get out before getting organized near the end of the line and morphing into a baseball poop.

Oddly enough, none of the kids have ever, with regularity, (ha... they just keep coming!) just stopped what they were doing and squatted. Our kids will sit flat on their bottoms grunting and pushing only to end up sitting tilted to one side.

You'd think that by now we've seen it all... wouldn't you? Well today was a first. First let me explain that Julie and I have somewhat of a different approach to the disposing of poopy diapers. I will, no matter what, always make every attempt to keep everything self contained in the diaper. I will roll it up and close it off so that nothing escapes. Baseball poops are very easily rolled off into the toilet if you so choose to do so... Julie so chooses. As a matter of fact, she will roll off whatever poop she can get into the toilet. I on the other hand will not.

This is where our "story" begins... the story of the vanishing poop. Late this morning Ana needed changing. I was sitting on the couch with Rachael and Lyndsey (in my lap) watching television with them, so Julie took the task under her wing and proceeded to change her. Now judging by the way the diaper was, not balled up but merely folded in half, I surmised that the poop was indeed destined for a splash down. Julie put the new diaper on, zipped up Ana's pajamas and walked toward the bathroom to dispose of the offender. She promptly reappeared asking where did the poop go?

I'm thinking don't look at me, I don't have it. So I ask ummm... what do you mean where did the poop go?

I got into the bathroom and there was no poop in the diaper.

Really?

Do you see it anywhere out here?

Hmmm... nope.

Hmmm... wonder where it went.

About this time Lyndsey did get up and walk across the room before returning to my lap. Lyndsey... let's see the bottom of your (footy) pajamas... nothing. A continued search turns up nothing. Wow, that's weird, it just vanished like a fart in the wind... the David Copperfield of poop. Julie leaves the room to tend to something and as I mentioned I'm sitting on the couch with Rachael and Lyndsey watching television with them. Ana is playing/walking around on the floor. A few minutes later, Ana has taken to lying down on a blanket on the floor at my feet. About this time I'm getting an oder wafting up... poop! About the same time I look over at Rachael and she's holding her nose asking what's stinky? I said I don't know, but it smells like poop. Kind of like it smells like when you've stepped in some doggy fudge.

I thought that maybe Ana had dropped another load, so I picked her up and gave her the sniff test. The sniff test is something only a parent would do... you pick up the potential offender and roll them or turn them so that you can ummm... have a sniff of their butt. I did and smelled nothing... she's clean. Yet the smell persisted. Rachael said I think that Ana pooped again. I said no, she didn't. It's at this time that Julie walks back into the room and sez it smells in here. I agreed and asked did you look inside Ana's pajamas? No... Maybe you should.

Julie lays her back down and unzips and start laughing. The poop was inside her pajamas and had settled into her footy. Ana had stepped in her own poop, or perhaps you could say that she was wearing it.

Mystery solved!