The silent ticking of seconds

Something I had sitting in a draft and was going to post before but never got around to it and well... now other things are muscling their way in. I feel the need to post this with updated and current thoughts and if for no other reason because I owe some birthday wishes.  


5/15/12
SO... 


I can see by the date on my last post (previous to this one) that it's been over a year since I've done anything here. 


One... did anyone other than me notice?


AND


Two... does it really matter?


(don't worry, I'll have this conversation with myself here...)


Probably not and probably not.  There, now that that's out of the way...


I never feel like I have much to say, but when it's said and done, I end up writing a lot, though I don't know how much I've actually said. I've been "living" a Facebook a life of snippets and one liners and such... no actual composition. Not sure that this will qualify as a composition either, but oh well. The blog has become the empty room where someone's left the television on... always there, all you have to do is step in and look.


Hard to believe that a whole year has lapsed, but the date lines don't lie.


My last post was Jake's birthday and the astute of you will (should) have connected the dots to see that Jake has had another birthday. Kids enjoy them, but (some of) us older folk can find them to be pesky! 


Happy belated 11th Jake!


That also means that I have "missed" everyone else too! 


I won't go into everything that has gone on for the past 365+ days... who's got time for that? And... Just between me and well... me, I don't remember much past what happened last week. 


6/29/12
Accept there is an unfortunate event unfolding that no matter how much time passes, silent ticking seconds or not, will not soon be forgotten. 


Getting the news that cancer again has decided to pay us another visit made for some ripples. I knew (albeit just a few minutes) before Julie did that the biopsy results weren't the answer to anyone's prayer and as Julie wades her way through the pool of decisions, it is evident that she (we) will be spending a lot of time in the water. Every discussion and every bit of newly acquired information are rocks tossed in. I seriously wonder if the pool will ever be still and allow us to see the bottom clearly? 


I was sitting in the car outside the high school (yes... Nick is starting HS) waiting for Nick to get out of freshman band camp and the phone rings. I didn't recognize the number and as such wasn't going to answer... obviously I did and a conversation with the doctor ensued. Only after letting her (the doctor) know that she was speaking to her (Julie's) husband and she (the doctor) checking the "who can she discuss this with" list was I given the news.


Nice to know that I made the list...


I remember a sickening feeling wash over me as I absorbed the news, and I remember thinking this isn't going to be good once it gets back to Julie. The doc wanted to know when Julie got home. Essentially I explained to her (in a less than direct way as explained here) that Julie doesn't punch a clock and as I continued I eluded to that she in all likelihood won't be home before you will be heading out and that if she wanted to talk to Julie, she was going to have to call her at work. 


Believe me, the thought screamed through my head saying I'm not going to be the one to tell her, you better f'n call her at work! 


She asked me if I thought that Julie would be okay getting the "news" at work. I said that she's not going to be okay getting that news anywhere nor at anytime! 


A rather silly question...


In spite of the knowledge we posses in knowing that this isn't the same as Emmah's battle, it's still difficult to partition it off and leave it out of the emotional equation. We've been skating (at times) some pretty thin ice here these past two plus years post Emmah... and at my weight, that's quite an endangerment to anyone else on the ice with me. 


I just want whatever will give the best outcome with the least amount of physical and emotional/psychological damage. I want Julie to be comfortable, however unlikely it may be in actuality, with whatever decision she makes and not look back. 


Upon further consideration, I've decided that the pool will never be glass like and the best I can hope for is that the rocks become tiny pebbles. I'm okay with a pool of gentle ripples... I'm fairly confident that I will be able to make out all of my toes at the bottom... and maybe just maybe my reflection.


Send prayers/energy/thoughts to Julie that will help her see through the rippling as it stands today...

Breaks...

Sometimes you catch one, sometimes it seems you can't.

Sometimes... you just need one!

And so it goes, the beat goes on and blah blah blah...

I know it's been a while since I've taken fingers to keyboard, but I didn't see anyone out marching and protesting that I wasn't writing anything anymore. I figure that "readership" (as it was at the peak) is considerably down. Yeah well, not much to write about and who really wants to read the ramblings of a pushing 48... or as Julie puts it... almost 50 year old? My kids have long since grown tired of my tirades/diatribes and monologues/speeches that they too no longer listen... oh wait, that's just them being kids. They could at least work on looking like they're listening and not look so glazed over as I speak to them.


The expression out of the frying pan and into the fire seems to have firmly rooted itself into our family's existence, 'cept it's more like out of the frying pan and into the fire and back into the frying pan and back into the fire and so on and so on. Born under a bad sign. If we didn't have bad luck, we'd have no luck at all... you get the point.

What is the point of all this?

It seems that the god of bad luck has decided to pay us a visit, challenging us yet again to see if we're able to get up off the mat and rise again.

What IS this fool talking about?

It is with a great deal of incredulousness (I can't believe that I am typing out the following words) that I say there is another cancer battle to be had, this time it's Julie and it's breast cancer.

No, unfortunately that is not a typo...


(note to self, think of something else to write about on blog, don't want to be typecast as a cancer writer...)

I won't go into great detail as to the... well... details, but I will say that it was caught quite early and while it's never ideal to be told that you have cancer, the outcome looks quite promising. Notice I didn't say easy. As it stands today, and she's had the work ups, the prognosis is a good one. Her histology is good and we've/she's been told that the tumor's biology seems to indicate that is it more indolent. There will be surgery and that is scheduled to take place the 10th of July. As things stand today and pending lymph node involvement (and we won't know that until the 10th) there shouldn't be any chemo. 


To be honest, it's rather hard to separate out thought/feelings with this development as our last duel with cancer ended with a huge loss. We both understand that any similarity between Julie and Emmah having cancer is just that... it begins and ends with them being diagnosed with cancer. Having said that and in spite of knowing it, it's still hard to not be tainted by the ghosts of cancer battles past as we are being forced to step back on the cancer treadmill.


So toss an extra nickel in the fountain on the 10th...


Peace

This just in!

Well, I need to get this in under the wire... and seeing that it's (according to my computer here) 11:55 I am doing JUST that.

I went to do this last night in fact, but blogger was down for maintenance... what's the luck? I mean I don't write like I used to and so for the handful of times I do... primarily birthdays for the most part... it's down for maintenance!

Okay then, let's not dilly any longer...

Jakob's age is now of the two digit variety and no longer the single... he is 10!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAKE!

Emmah

Since what I really want for you can't come true.

I hope that... 

The sun holds you in its warmth while never fading from your view.

Butterflies are you constant companions whispering of our intentions.

Birds 'just know' and sing your favorite songs in a carefree chorus.

Flowers perpetually bloom spreading as far as your eye can see.

You are riding horses until you can ride no longer.

The air is full with the sound of your lighthearted laughter.

But most of all...

I hope that you are feeling all the love that we have for you.

Happy 15th Birthday Emmah!

Love you, miss you...